dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
