I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
