i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
