I'm eating all of the evidence.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
