I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
