Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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