After last night, I could never be a politician.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize