you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
