Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
