It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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