i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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