New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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