this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
