worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!