Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
