The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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