I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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