New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
