WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
