I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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