so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
