Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking