I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many