im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
