guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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