I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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