bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
