someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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