Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?