I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬