he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
