I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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