i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
...so i touched it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
