Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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