if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize