Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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