I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
