if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
