Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
