is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
