so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
