you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
