Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.