Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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