guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
