We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
