First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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