dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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