I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We have started to decorate penises.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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