My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
