I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
