he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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