Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
