Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I enjoy the company of your penis
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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