How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
