Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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