so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
operation have a gay friend backfired
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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